Irony Is A Bitch

48 HOURS BEFORE-

It seemed like a normal ,quiet Thursday night in the city.....except that it wasn't...A ghastly smell ,coming from one of the homes on Boathouse row had brought a call to the police...And the discovery of the body in one of the homes had brought a call to Lt. Sissy Van Buren and her detectives...

Sissy arrived with some uniforms....She saw the body of the 80 year old man lying on the floor of the boathouse in a pool of blood..

''Anybody know who this is?" she asked..as she kneeled down with Forensic Investigator, Dr. Hazel Baylor..and looked at the Body...

''Cause of death appears to have been both blunt force trauma and the fact that his throat was slit from ear to ear."said Hazel..

"He's Dr. Micheal Connally...World Famous Author and Psychologist." said Detective Edwin "Duke"Baylor...

"He's 80 years old and been missing for a week." said Detective  Tyriq Pile...

"This is his uh Boathouse....It's registered to him."said Detective Carlotta Rodriguez-Wallace.

"Wasn't a robbery..I found his wallet...Credit cards and about a thousand dollars in it." said Jimmy...

"How long has he been here?" asked Sissy...

"Lividity and body temp or lack of it says a few days.." said Hazel...

"I got a team of unis on the street cams and traffic cams in the nearby area......and talking to the other boathouse owners..."said Detective Tony Hopkins..

 "Me and Angie are looking into his financials..and we are are trying to contact his wife...but we can't seem to get her on the phone."said Detective Sirena Pile.

"Hmm, I sent a squad car to the house...He just called me..Said the place is empty and that they found the wife's car with the keys and her purse, parked down the street from their house and get this...OUR DEAD GUY's car is parked in front of their house...with the keys on the front seat." said Detective Angela Belton-Barlow.

"So how did he get here?" asked Sissy..."He got another car?" asked Sissy...

 "None that we can find around here Boss lady...All these cars are accounted for."said Carlotta.

"Hmm, just what did we stumble into?" asked Sissy.

"I'm done with the body...You guys ready to release it?" asked Hazel..

"Yeah...We can release it." said Duke...

Sissy watched as the body was removed from the boathouse and packed into a medical examiners van to be taken downtown..

Other than the murder...It was a beautiful night...

 Detective Angie Belton Barlow looked at Detective Carlotta Rodriguez-Wallace..

"You ever get used to this? Seeing a body carted out?" asked Angie.

"I thought by now...I would...but I'm still not used to it or good with it."said Carlotta..

"Me neither Little Sister."said Angie, hugging Carlotta..

Sissy walked past her two detectives..

"Good...That means you're both still sane."she said and smiled.

II-

24 HOURS LATER- Lt. Sissy Van Buren was used to seeing Me walk into her office...but seeing my wife and another man walk into her office was a whole nother story...

"Sepia...how are you? What brings you here?" asked Sissy..

 "It's Kevin...He's in trouble...and he may need your help..." said Sepia..."Oh Excuse me...This is Attorney Ronald Shay...She said introducing Ronald Shay..

"Pleased to meet you mam!" said Ronald..

"What kind of trouble is Kevin in?" asked Sissy..

''Well Mr. Shay here's ex-wife..but current girlfriend.."Sepia began...

''Ex-wife, but current girlfriend...This is going to be good." said Sissy smiling wryly..

''Well anyway...He came to Kevin because his wife..An insurance investigator, Bonnie Shay vanished..At the time she vanished , she was investigating the wife of Dr. Micheal Connally, the world famous Psychologist and Author...He was leveraged up to one million dollars in life insurance, payable to his wife, Ginger Stevens Connally...From what Kevin told me...Bonnie found out that Ginger had been married five times before and four of her husbands all met mysterious deaths and were heavily insured.. And recently ,she had been keeping company with a Lance Flintlock...a known grifter....Bonnie was looking into both of them and they dropped off the grid...and then she dropped off the grid..."said Sepia..

Sissy listened intently...

"Sepia..We found Dr. Connally's body last night...He's been murdered and he's been dead for a couple of days..right around the time these two people vanished..And your wife was on to them and now she's gone missing?" asked Sissy..

"Yes..and Kevin was on to something..I think he found her...We traced the GPS on his phone to this address.." said Ronald Shay...

"That building has been empty for years...Let me run a title search on it..find out who owns it.."said Sissy...

"That's the last place Kevin was seen Sissy...I got a call from him, telling me to meet him there ,that he couldn't explain...Only...I don't think it was him...The voice sounded like him...but it wasn't him...I know my husband..."said Sepia..

"I want you to go to that address...We are going to wire you...We are going to wire you in a place where whoever is behind this won't find the wire...Don't worry...We'll be following you..."said Sissy..

"What about me? That's my....My...Well I still Love Bonnie Very much " said Ronald..

"It's bad enough having one civilian on a mission like this..but against my better judgement...go along..She may need somebody to watch her back..." said Sissy...

"Hi Sepia...Come on, let me get you wired..." said Detective Angie Belton-Barlow..

"Don't worry Sepia girl...Angie and Sissy are the best...They wired me up really good once."said Sirena..

"Yes they did.." said her husband Tyriq..

Duke laughed and slapped his thigh..

"I feel better already." laughed Sepia..

"I wished I had known them when I first went undercover...My bra was too small and it came off, mike and all.." laughed Carlotta..

"I remember that...That's how she got the nickname "Top" laughed Tyriq...

"That's a good story Sepia...Remind us to tell you one day...Despite all that...She still made the bust...Uh no pun intended " laughed Duke..

"Oh Hush up Duke."laughed Carlotta as she led Sepia to the ladies locker-room.

III-

 NOW-

I sat in a corner watching Riley Queen...He hadn't gone to sleep..he just kept pacing back and forth....

A couple of hours had went by and Sepia went to sleep in my arms..

Likewise...Bonnie Shay, Ronald Shay and Ginger Stevens had all drifted off to sleep...

 I smiled...Finally ,it looked as though Riley Queen was dozing off himself....

After awhile...I closed my eyes....

Some time elapsed.....

When I opened my eyes again....

The television monitor on the wall had another cryptic message...

"WHEN IS A MAN LIKE A PIECE OF WOOD?"

By now we all were waking up...

I looked at Bonnie...

"Kevin a kintergardener could figure out this one...A man is like a piece of wood when he's a ruler..."said Bonnie Shay.

Sepia and Ronald gave Bonnie the side eye..

''She's been guessing these damn things the whole time...before you two got here." said Ginger.

"A Man is a piece of wood when he's a Ruler..I get it ,like a King..." said Ronald...

"Or a QUEEN!!! Isn't that right Riley?? And isn't it time that you ended this little charade?" I said..

"How did you know?" he laughed and produced a 12 guage shotgun...

"You're the only one here without a connection to Dr. Connally or is that true? You didn't flinch when Flintlock killed himself or offer one prayer...You kept trying to get everyone to drink those protein shakes...Protein shakes you drugged....You drank the clean ones and when we all were asleep, You routinely left this room and either brought other people in or other things in.....That trick gun didn't just appear out of thin air...You put it there.."I said..

He smiled..

"You know...That gun was meant for you...I figured of all the people, you would try to be a hero and shoot yourself..I figured if you lived long enough you might figure it out.." he laughed..

''We all did...None of us drank anymore shakes..We all pretended to be asleep and we saw you leave and come back.."said Ginger..

"I'm guessing your accomplice is a floor below us,operating Laptops and sending signals to this monitor.."said Bonnie Shay...

''Right again."he laughed..."But now I can't let any of you leave  here alive." he said.

"You weren't planning to do that anyway...So why the games?" asked Ronald..

''I wanted to play with you...Drive you all silly and then if you didn't kill yourselves with the booby traps I had set around this room...You'd all eventually turn on each other...Whoever was left...I'd kill myself.."he laughed..

"I went to the cops before I came here...They found Dr. Connally's body..."said Sepia..

"I figured as much ,which is why I have to end this little game...The cops won't suspect me...I'm not on their radar....They'll suspect the little harlot over here...and her dead boyfriend...They were planning to kill him anyway..I couldn't allow them to do that."said Riley Queen..

''Why are you doing this man?" I asked.

''Several years ago...I murdered my parents...I was 16, Dr. Connally was a Prosecution expert....He recommended that I spend the rest of my natural life in prison...He said that despite my near genius IQ,I was a psychopath with no soul.....My lawyer appealed to the jury.....They sentenced me to twenty years in Blue Skies....The hospital for the criminally insane....I just got released about three weeks ago,I spent 15 more years than I should have in that wretched place...All that time gave me a lot of time to think and  plot..I prayed that the good doctor was still alive.. and I looked up the good doctor...I wanted to pay him back...Imagine my surprise when I found out that this harlot here and her boyfriend had one million dollars worth of life insurance out on him.....Well ,looking at her track record...It didn't take a genius to figure out what they had planned next....I killed him and I lured both of them here ....They were the only ones I wanted...I knew when the police found the body...They'd look straight at you two...and by the time they found your dead bodies...I'd be free and clear...Only problem was you Ms. Shay...You were investigating them and getting too close which is why I had to grab you, Then you Mr. Morris,looking for her ,you were getting too close...and unfortunately your wife and her ex-husband all got too damn close....None of you had to be mixed up in this...When Ginger and Flintlock vanished...You all should have left it alone..I had no axe to grind with you Ms. Shay or you Mr. Morris and your loved ones.." he said.

Sepia laughed...

"What's so funny?" he said.

''You'll see." laughed Sepia..

"I'll see what?" asked Riley ,now concerned...

At that moment...The magnetic door came off the hinges...and ten shotgun toting police officers stormed the room....Riley Queen looked astounded,..His mouth flew wide open...He dropped his shotgun...Ronnie and I grabbed it...

Lt. Sissy Van Buren, Detectives Edwin "Duke "Baylor, Angela Belton Barlow, Sirena Pile and Tony Hopkins entered with guns drawn...

"FREEZE, you're under arrest!" They yelled..

Riley Queen was stunned-

"What the hell?  Who are you???...HOW DID YOU FIND ME??" he screamed...He stomped his foot in angry frustration!!!"DAMN IT!!!THE GAME WASN'T OVER!"he screamed!

Duke handcuffed him.....

"It is for you."he said.

Detectives Carlotta Rodriguez-Wallace, Tyriq Pile and James Barlow,along with five uniformed policemen arrived with his partner from downstairs in handcuffs...

''Sorry Riley...They rolled up on  me too fast...They must have disabled the camera outside.I didn't see em." said his accomplice,Tony O'Dowd...another recently released mental patient.

 ''We got your little pal Riley." said Carlotta

 "Yeah...Nice set up you had.." said Tyriq...

"You are pretty smart, but not that smart.." said Jimmy...

The five officers read him his rights and began to hustle him out...

"You've got nothing..You've got no proof.." he said.

"I've been wearing a wire the entire time I've been here...Riley...They heard everything..." said Sepia..

I laughed...

"Looks like you outsmarted yourself..."I said.

"Just so you know...We thought it was Flintlock and Stevens at first,but we couldn't find their DNA at the crime scene...We did however find yours and a latent fingerprint...And we looked up your past history...We've known about you for awhile"said Hazel...

"And thanks to my wife...We got your entire confession on tape.."I laughed...

Sissy saw the blood and the cover over the body in the corner...

''What happened here?" she asked.

''That's Lance Flintlock...He killed himself with a booby trapped gun...Exhibit A over there...Supplied by genius here.."I said glaring at Riley Queen.

"I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! A WIRE...We SHOULD HAVE DETECTED IT!! HOW DID WE NOT???I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!"screamed  Riley...

''Believe it...Take him away boys and get this body out of here.."said Duke..

"Kevin...Once again...you've aided us in cracking a major murder...and in record time..."said Sissy...

"Not me...My wife was the hero this time."I said hugging Sepia..

She smiled....

"Indeed she is." said Sissy ,smiling...and hugging Sepia...

"Now you guys get out of here..Go home and take care of that god-daughter of mine."laughed Sissy.

"Come on guys...Let's get this body out of here.."said Hazel as they carted the body off...

I looked at Ginger...

"Well, how about that Ginger?...You get to collect your fortune after all and you didn't even do anything...This time"I said.

She smiled and laughed at me...

"Irony is a bitch, aint it?" she said.

"I wouldn't be too sure about that "said Carlotta...

"A number of detectives from Florida, Oklahoma,Georgia and Tennessee are waiting back at our headquarters....They want to talk to you Missy.." said Sirena as an officer handcuffed Ginger..

"All in a days work guys....Thanks again.." said Sissy as they carted Riley Queen and Ginger Stevens off..

I looked at everybody as we walked out into daylight or in this case...Night light..

''Am I the only person that feels like a drink?" I asked..

Sepia , Bonnie and Ronald all chimed in...

"YES SIRR"

And we all laughed..

EPILOUGE-

Riley Queen was convicted of five counts of Kidnapping as well as  the murders of Dr. Micheal Connally and Lance Flintlock and sentenced to death by lethal injection...

Tony O'Dowd was convicted of Kidnapping and Conspiracy and sentenced to Life in prison...

Ginger Stevens-Connally was questioned in the mysterious deaths of her husbands in Oklahoma, Florida and Tennessee, but only charged in the state of Georgia of first degree Murder...Surprisingly...She was acquitted and walked out of court a free woman...The Cyclops insurance company took her to court over her murdered husbands life insurance claim...She was awarded only 50K and she took her money and dropped out of sight...

Sepia and I, Bonnie Shay and Ronald went to Josies and celebrated our freedom and the end of the case...Reed Nelson and his quintet was performing tonight..

We hooked up with our mutual friends, Attorneys Olivia Bennett-Alexander , Beverly West,Nelson East,Josie Boyd and fellow private investigator, Donnie Ray Alexander..

 We laughed and drank and told them all about our adventure.....

 "Olivia, Beverly..I've so wanted to hang out with you guys..for such a long time."said my wife Sepia..

 "Yeah ,since Bonnie here is a mutual friend..We ought to hang out more often." I said.

 ''Well,I'm glad I could be the one to unite you guys..You're really the first people I met when I moved back to Philly.." said Bonnie.

"That goes for me too!"said Ronald..

 ''Wow..after the ordeal you guys went through...I'm just glad you guys are alive and in one piece.."said Olivia.

 "I'll say...That guy Riley Queen was a nut.."said Beverly...who was holding her boyfriend, Attorney Nelson East's hand.

"Mann that was like something out of the twilight zone."said Nelson.

"I have to stop by to see the baby...I imagine she's big by now.."said Josie..

"Oh yes Josie...she'll be walking soon."said Sepia.

"Indeed...but I'm sure you guys are just glad you can eat real food and drink something other than a Protein shake." said Donnie Ray..

''Donnie Ray....You said a mouthful.I don't want to SEE a damn Protein Shake!" I said.

And we all laughed and enjoyed more drinks and music...

Gus overheard us and just laughed and shook his head.