Friday, December 3, 2010

Wooden Sex

Sepia ,Bernadette and I sat in my living room drinking a few tumblers of coffee and munching on some Krispy Kreme Donuts the next day..

"Kevin...I couldn't talk while she was in there....By she ,I meant Porshe Hawkins, but she and Ralph Scallion were hot and heavy for awhile..." said Bernadette.

"What? Her and Ralph? " I said.

"They were engaged to be married....I always think Ralph just did that so he could get her in the bed...He wanted her in the worst way...You said that you saw him and Portia together in Josies that same night too?" she asked me.

"Well yeah, Kevin and I were sitting two seats from them...They were kissing and he was putting his hand up her dress and everything." said Sepia.

"Ohhhh, so you did see that?" I said , laughing.

"Of course I saw it...Who in there didn't the way they was goin at it??...They needed a room." said Sepia.

"Well, Portia is Raif Collins's wife." said Bernadette.

"Wife?" said Sepia and I in unison.

"Yes...They're seperated...She went back to using her maiden name Hawkins and she doesn't wear her wedding band anymore, but technically they're still married."she said.

"Hmmm, so Ralph was going with one sister and tossed her over for the twin...and it turns out the twin is the wife of one of our shooters....She told me that she drove past the parking lot and saw Ralph's car...Want to make a bet that she called Raif and Buster? Only she didn't know that Ralph and Fat Jack had switched cars...None of them knew." I said.

"And an innocent man, my friend..had to lose his life..and they almost killed my husband." said Sepia, very visibly angry...

"Well just sit tight...They're going to pay...This time ,I won't get caught off guard....but Bernadette...I want you to do something for me." I said.

"What Kevin?" she smiled-"I know you got something devious up your sleeves."
"Put the word out that Ralph and Portia are going to spend the night together at his know, just kind of mention it in a gossipy way so that Porsche
hears it." I said.
"You think she's mixed up in this?" asked Bernadette.
"Up to her neck..She sent those two after Ralph....And she's the only person who knew where Sepia and I were going to eat yesterday...She sent them after me...
Probably thinks I'm dead...She's going to be in for a surprise." I said.

My Blackberry went off!

"Hello." I said.

''What up, what up?" It was Kool Kat.

"What's going on man?" I said.

"Me and Clerow found Ralph Scallion....He's somewhere safe..." he said.

"Okay..What about the house?" I said.

"Peeping Tom and Lockpick Johnson wired it for sound and we've got two manequins in the bed, just like you asked for....and they hooked up the sound system..." he said.

"Okay.. I'll be out there soon... This ought to be fun." I said.

"You should just let me find em and kill em" laughed Kool Kat.

"I should not." I said.

"I know ,I know."he laughed.

That night at Ralph Scallion's house.....

"OHHHHHHHHH...OHHHHHHHHH RALPH...Give it to me....Give it to meeeeee....OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu."

"Oh baby, Oh babyyyyyyyyyy... darling...sweetie, it's sooooo gooooodddd...ohhhhhhhh"

"Oh Ralph,it' so big, it's so gooood.....ohhhhh my goddddd...I'm losing my mind.....ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...."

The sound of the bed squeaking was so loud, it didn't sound real.....People were walking by looking up at the window...One drunk man gave the power sign....Another guy said -'Go head boy...wax dat tail.....yeah!"

The Grand Torino which had been sitting there for a half an hour was quiet...Raif got out and cocked his gun... Buster Williams got out too...He too had a pistol...

"That son of a bitch, Ralph Scallion....Screwing my wife eh? I'm gonna blow his brains out." screamed Raif as he and Buster emerged into the house and pumped several rounds into ....manequins....The sounds they heard was a recording....Including the bed squeaking.....In digital sound!

"What? This was a trick.....What the hell was this?" screamed Raif.

"If you're a trick...You get tricked." I said as I flicked on the lights....

"YOU?????? awwww come on're deadddd......deaddd...deaddddddddd!" he said ,almost crying.

"See Buster, I told you I'd remember what you said." I said, ignoring Raif. Buster shrugged!

Kool Kat and Clerow walked in the room, Guns drawn.....

"Take Buster out of here and get Raif's gun....but leave him here....He and I have some business to finish...Turn off the cameras and the recording devices..." I said. Clerow was grinning and Kool

Kat did as I asked.

"How did he escape the trap we set for him? What'cha gone do to us?" asked Buster.

"Man, questions aint in your vocabulary right now." said Kool Kat as he and Clerow grabbed Buster and dragged him downstairs...I heard them punching him and him groaning and the sound of things being broken and him being slammed against the wall...

''Alright tough guy...I do believe , we got some unfinished business." I said ,looking at Raif...

He attempted to swing, but I blocked that and hit him with all of my might, knocking him into the wall and then began pummeling him senseless , until he was unconscious...I grabbed him by the collar and revived him and began pummeling him some more....Finally, I tired of beating on him.

"Not so tough now, are you Raif, without your buddy and without a gun?" I sneered.I doubted if he heard me in his state.

I dragged him down the stairs and tied him up and deposited him next to his buddy Buster, who
was still bloody and unconscious after the beating Kool Kat and Clerow had given him...These two jerks had tried to kill me after all! I had gotten all of my anger out of me...I sent Kool Kat and Clerow home and I called the police.

 Lt. Sissy Van Buren arrived a little while later with three uniformed policeman and a paddy wagon....My guys were all gone...Buster Williams and Raif were tied up and lying face down on the pavement when the Detectives arrived..

"Oh My goodness Kevin...they look like you beat the hell out of both of them....Oh my godddd...look at this guys face...both of his eyes are closed shut and his face is a bloody swollen mess...and look at this one over here.." she said.

"Nahhh, they tripped and fell down the steps...It was dark." I said winking at her. She looked at me and smirked.

"Okay you goons, on your feet...You have the right to remain silent....Guess you guys aren't in the talking mood huh?" she said as they struggled to their feet..Neither of them even looked my way.
She went on and read them their rights and then she marched them to the waiting paddy wagon, where two uniformed officers and a medic tended to them.

"Over there is your murder weapon, here is film and audio evidence and that there is the Grand Torino that witnesses described seeing the night of the murder....You have more than enough to make a solid murder case against them..." I said.

"Wow, thanks again Kevin...You've helped me close this case." she said.

"It's not closed yet...there's one other person...the mastermind behind this entire affair.., I'll deliver her to you soon." I said.

''Thanks Kevin...." Shee said as she then got in her car and followed the paddy wagon that held the two killers.

That night I lay in bed with Sepia....

"So you got em huh?" she said.

"Yup...I got both of em..and this time, it'll stick....They both go down for Fat Jack's murder...." I said.

"What about Porsche?" asked Sepia...

"We'll worry about her tomorrow." I said as I turned over and went to sleep...a peaceful sleep.

(Conclusion Next)


Cheryl said...

Ralph sure has a lot of people wanting to kill him...This is like the third time Kevin has saved his neck....Not to mention that Reed Nelson ,88 and Robert Foxworth would all be in that line to kill him if they knew he had made designs on thier women.

Anonymous said...

This title was misleading...I was prepared to throw my panties..

Simon Bastion said...

This Ralph Scallion sure has a lot of ill will coming his way.

Toni said...

Another good effort Keith,breathlessly awaiting the payoff!

Sunflower said...

This was brutally violent and hillarious all at the same time...but I liked it...

Angie B. said...

I'm glad Kevin got revenge against those two guys that tried to kill him...Sepia should have been in on it!