Funny Money

 The key that was in my deceased uncle's suit pocket had a manufacturer name and a serial number on it! I wasn't hard for me to track the manufacturer down and find out where the safe deposit box was that this key was a match to....It was surprise, surprise...a bank...A small bank called "First Deposit National Bank of Philadelphia"  They were even kind enough to give me the address.

Sepia looked at me...


"You gonna call Mr. Tickle?" she said and then laughed...

''What's so funny?" I asked.

"His last name is so funny...every time I say it ,I can't help but laugh." she said.

I laughed too...

"Yeah it is a funny last name.  I'm not going to call him just yet....We have two people who are willing to kill to get this safe deposit key..Patrice Johnson...His girlfriend or fiance....and this hood, Dice Lawson, who appears to be a real nasty piece of business, who claims my uncle owed him for past gambling debts....and then we have Mister Tickle...Not sure I trust him completely...I'm going to call him eventually, but not just yet." I said.

"You think he suspects that you didn't give Dice the key?" she asked.

"I sure do....and plus the fact that I said I was still going to look for the money....I'm going to see what's in this safe deposit box first....Come on." I said.

"You're taking me?" she asked excitedly...

"Yeah, why not...Why should Clerow and Kool Kat have all of the fun?" I laughed.

II-

We stopped by my uncle's apartment on the way to the bank....Like I figured...someone had been by already and had tossed the place...Looking in my Uncle's personal belongings...

"Wow lover...somebody really took this place apart." said Sepia...

''Sure did...wonder if they found what they were looking for?" I asked.

"Lover?" asked my wife.

"Yeah?" I said.

"Why did you have me bring this suitcase of funny money?" she asked.

I had a suitcase of phoney dollar bills...a little present from the con man, Pakistani Sam...They looked like real dollar bills until you turned them over and it said," Made in Japan" on the back.


"Oh just a little something to fool my two rivals.." I said with a hint of a smile.

My Uncle ,like I said was always a man of surprises.....When Sepia and I arrived at the bank...The Bank President came out to talk to us...

"This is very odd....You're the third and fourth people to inquire about this safe deposit box today?" he said.

"Oh really?  He was my Uncle...Who else came by here.?" I asked.

"Well , a pretty young lady...She claimed to be his wife ,but she had no proof, you know, no marriage license, no identification...so I refused to open the box for her...Then another man stopped by...A lawyer, he said he was...a Mr. Tickle.....Same thing....He claimed he was the executor of the will....I couldn't open it for him either...He didn't have the will. He left in a huff." said the Bank President.

"Well I have the key." I said.

"Well, if you have the key...Have at it." he said.

I went in and opened the safe deposit box....Inside was an envelope with instructions as to where the money could actually be found!!!and an actual will! My Uncle was quite a charactor...He knew that all of these clowns would be after his money and this was his way of saying screw you one last time from beyond the grave...I had to laugh...I took the envelope and put it in my jacket pocket....Then Sepia gave me the case of "funny money" and we filled the safe deposit box to the gill with it....The irony was that even if Patrice Johnson,Mr. Tickle or Dice Lawson had come here, they couldn't have done anything with this envelope...Not without me and my co-operation.

We left , I tipped my hat to the Bank President....

''Could you do me a favor?" I asked.

"Yes Mr. Morris.." he said.

I slipped him a couple of twenties...

"Don't mention that my wife and I were here." I said....Sepia smiled at him...

"Why I never seen you two in my life." he said and smiled broadly.

III-

Sepia drove as I read my Uncle's letter and laughed my head off.....

"That letter sure is tickling you Kevin..." she said.

"This is so funny..." I said.

"Why?" she said.

''Apparently my Uncle didn't trust Tickle as much as Tickle would have liked to have thought...." I said.

"Oh?" she said.

"Remember Tickle told us that my Uncle didn't leave a will? Apparently he did!!!....He has three million dollars...He left YOU ,one million dollars, left me one million dollars and his 1956 Thunderbird and he wants the rest given to Pastor Struthers youth outreach program..." I said.

"Really?" said Sepia, her eyes lighting up..

"He really liked you, thought you were good for me." I said.

Sepia blushed....I kissed her on the cheek...

"Wow, I guess all those times he pinched me on my butt added up." she laughed...

"I guess so." I said.

"Wow...Lover we are rich!!!" she laughed...

"Well, before we congratulate each other...Prepare for a visit from Patrice." I said.

"Patrice??" she said.

''Yeah...Somebody just broke into our house....Wanna take a bet on who it is?" I said.

A special alarm system was built into my car...I could tell if someone broke into  or otherwise entered my house without proper access...

What Patrice or whoever didn't know is that the minute they walked in...They were being videotaped by small micro-cameras that Peeping Tom had installed..and a call was automatically forwarded to the Police!

"Wow ,Are our locks THAt bad?" she said.

"Nah...this little vixen is just that determined..." I said.

"You don't think it's Dice?" she said.

"Could be...but my money is on Patrice.." I said.

"Okay...Dollar it's Dice." laughed my wife....

"You're on." I said.

IV-

We parked our car in the driveway.....Everything looked normal...I pulled my .38 smokeless and told Sepia to stay behind me... I opened my front door and sitting in our living room with a .22 pointed at both of us was Patrice Johnson...

''Welll Hello Patrice...Fancy meeting you here!  " I said.

''Don't play with me...I know you didn't give that key to that big goon Dice...I peeped what you gave him...But I'm not playing that crap....You better give me that key." she said.

"Tell me something...How did you know that key was in my Uncle's suit jacket pocket?" I asked.

"That was his favorite suit...After he passed, I rumaged through all of his things and I couldn't find it...Then I figured...that it was the one place that I hadn't looked." she said.

"How did you even know about the key?" I asked.

"He told me that he had come into some money and that he wasn't gone put it in no bank, That it was in a safe deposit box and that he was going to hide the key from Dice and Tickle and anybody else that was plottin on it." she said.

"Oh...pillow talk eh?" I said.

''Whatever..Just hand it over!" she said.

I pulled out the safe deposit key and tossed it to her.

She caught it and stood up....and began backing out the door...

"Don't call the cops and don't try to follow me....I found you once...I could always find you again and off the both of you." she said.

Just as she walked out the door...Lt. Sissy Van Buren, Detective Carlotta Rodriguez and three uniformed Philadelphia Policemen grabbed her and handcuffed her..She was stunned!!!

" You set me up...Awwww nah!  You set me up. Let me go...Let me go" screamed Patrice as Sissy put the handcuffs on her....

"Take her away boys." said Sissy....

I walked over to her and snatched the key from her....

"You won't be needing this." I laughed.

Carlotta just laughed....

''Kev, you usually bring us  a big fish....A Drug Kingpin, a Murderer.. Now you give us...a home invader?" she said.

"Let me go...Let me go....That money is mine...I deserve it...I deserve it....Let me gooooooo." protested Patrice.

"Throw in a weapons charge and you got somethin." I joked..

Sissy just shook her head...

"Be Easy Kevin." she laughed.

"Always." I said as they took Patrice to the patrol car and slammed the door..

''That was my money....I have a right to it...It was mines..Mine..Mine..Minnnnneeeee.. " she screamed as the police car drove away.

After the police left....Sepia walked over to me and gave me a dollar...

"Looks like you won the bet.." she said.

I just laughed. I knew that a confrontation with the gangster,Dice Lawson was still in the near future, but I wasn't worried about him right now...

"Let's go get some dinner lover." said Sepia... A light rain was beginning to pour...

"Sounds like a plan babe." I said and went to the car and got two umbrellas.

We locked our doors and walked hand in hand down the street.

(To Be Continued...)