We Coulda Made It Baby!

"Brian! Oh my God...you are out of your mind!" screamed Barbara Courtland in horror.....

He had just proposed to her at the repass for her Father, who had just been funeralized and buried... You could hear the grunts and groans of the mourners....and the snickers of my wife, Sepia, Attorney Chance Howard and his girlfriend, Anita Jenkins and Bonita Foxworth...Robert's wife...Robert Foxworth stood there with his arms folded and a sly grin on his face...which erupted into laughter after a minute and I stood there flabbergasted....

"Brian...I can't believe..." she started to say...

"I know it's hard to believe....just say yes...baby...You don't know how long I've waited for you to come back to Philly.." said Brian Hollander.

"What I was going to say is...I can't believe that you are such a self centered jerk....I just buried my father...These people are here to mourn his passing and you're proposing to me...Have you lost your mind??" she screamed...

"I'll take that as a no?" he asked, totally oblivious  to everything and everybody else...

"Brian...I can't deal with you right now ." she said and got up and walked away....

"What did I do? What did I say?" he exclaimed... Robert Foxworth was doubled over in gales of laughter now...Chance Howard and my wife were laughing hard and banging their fists on the table...Most of the people at the repass were like me, flabberghasted and speechless!

This gave me an idea....I walked outside and pulled Barbara to the side...I whispered to her and eventually engaged her in a conversation...

"You want me to what?  Noooo...Noo..I-I can't." she said.

"You want your father's killer brought to justice don't you?  He's the killer...This is my only chance...It's now or never baby." I said.

"Brian??? Oh my God....I can't believe it..." she said.


''Do this and the last piece of the puzzle is in place...and he's out of your life forever!" I said.

"Ohhh Alright." she said.

II-




An hour later Lockpick Johnson, Sean Jackson and Peeping Tom were coming out of Barbara Courtland's room....

"It's all set Kev...." said Sean...

"Thanks you guys..." I said.

I looked at Barbara...

"You're overdoing it a bit ,don't you think?" I asked...She was dressed in just a bra and panties...I know Robert Foxworth wished he were here...but it was just the same...It was better that he wasn't.

"You want a full confession out of him don't you? This is how I'll get it." she said.

"The way he is about you..I don't think you'll need to do all of that." I said.

"Watch me go to work." she said with a grin... I intended to...From a safe distance of course!

"Did you call him? Tell him you've reconsidered?"I asked.

"Yes...He'll be here." she said.

"Okay...I'll be close by." I said.

III-

In record time , Brian Courtland arrived at Barbara's hotel room....

''Hello Brian." she said seductively...

''Hellllllllllllllllllllloooooo , oh my Goddddd......wowwwwww!" he exclaimed...

"Brian, you know I'm shyyy and I don't like public proclomations like that...Why didn't you ask me in private?" she cooed...

''Lawd jesusss...I sho shoulda...Ohhhh I can't...I can't take my eyes off of you...." he said.

"Well this is what you've been waiting for..." she said.

"Boyyyyyy, have I...." he said.

"So Brian...How did you know when I was coming in on my flight?" she asked...

"I didn't know...I staked the airport out everyday after I killed your father." he blurted out.." I knew you'd be coming back soon to funeralize him where ever you were." he said matter of factly...

"YOU WHAT?? YOU KILLED MY FATHER???" she screamed...This was better than I had planned...I never expected him to crack this soon or this easy..

"I had to...I was reffered to him by Dr. Watson ,my shrink...and when I discovered who he was, I begged him to tell me where you were living, your phone number , anything...He wouldn't...He wouldn't tell me...I had to know...We got into a big argument and before I knew it...I had strangled him.....I didn't plan to..It happened...but I figured it'd be all good because you'd find out and you'd come back to me.." he said..

"AND YOU THINK I'D MARRY YOU AFTER KNOWING YOU KILLED MY FATHER AND OTHERS?" she screamed!

"After I killed your dad , I had to kill Watson and Cornbluth...They knew too much..They could put two and two together...They'd call the police..I'd go to jail... but it's all good baby...We are free to be married and in time you'll get past your mourning and..."

"AND NOTHING...YOU ARE CRAZY...AS CRAZY AS A CRACKHOUSE MOUSE...OH MY GOD..." she screamed...

"Bar-Bar-Bar-Barbara, you're putting on your clothes!!!" he exclaimed...

"Damn right I am you kook!" she said...

"Can't we have , uh make up sex?" he asked...

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, you are ....ohhhhhhh just get out of my sight!" she screamed...

"Awww come on...booo booooooooooooooo...." he said.

We had heard enough...Lt. Sissy Van Buren, two homicide detectives, two uniformed policemen and myself  entered the room....

"Awww baby...this was a set up??" he said...

I smiled as they handcuffed him....

"Good work Kevin" said Sissy Van Buren as they dragged him out of the room in handcuffs...


"WE COULDA MADE IT BABY...WE COULDA BEEN A COUPLE...WE HAD POTENTIAL!!!!!!!!!
DAMNNNNNNNNNNNN BABYYYYY....AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW BOO BOOOOOO." he screamed as they dragged him, kicking and screaming into the elevator....

Barbara just looked at me and shook her head....She said nothing.

I walked down the street to the van... Sean Jackson, Locksmith Johnson and Peeping Tom were on the floor of the van doubled over in laughter - "AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW BOO BOOOOOOOOOO." they yelped in gales of laughter as I opened the door...They had heard and seen everything...

For once....Even I laughed..This had to be my most bizarre case ever and certainly one of the funniest criminals I had ever collared.

EPILOUGE-

The fingerprints and the DNA were a match! -Brian Hollander was convicted of three counts of first degree murder and sentenced to three life sentences, but soon it became clear that he was insane....He is presently locked up at the Pennsylvania Institute for the criminally insane...He writes love letters to Barbara Courtland daily and mails them to some fictional address..In the letters he begs for forgiveness and declares his undying love for her...She never receives any of these letters of course...but I suppose , in his mind...he can always hope.

Robert Foxworth and I received a very lucrative settlement from Barbara and we saw her off to the airport..

''I can't thank both of you enough for helping me handle my affairs and get that creep out of my life." she said.

"We were pleased to be able to help....You ever think you'll return to Philly, now that that nut is locked up?" asked Robert.

''Ummm, anything is possible ...but right now...I don't think so." she said...

"FLIGHT 923....Philadelphia to San-Francisco is now boarding at GATE D" said the loudspeaker...

"Well guys...thanks again...for everything..." she said and she grabbed her bag and headed for her gate, waving at both of us the entire time...

"Well Kev...Looks like you cracked another case and we both got another large payday." laughed Robert.

"Yessirrrr." I said.

"Hey counselor"...I asked... "Tell me the truth...You didn't think , not once about trying to get some of that?" I continued...

Robert Foxworth shot me a sly look-

"Of course I did...More than once to tell you the truth Kev...but...it just wouldn't have been worth it..So I didn't do anything...I kept it professional." he said.  That was good enough for me...Robert Foxworth had proven to me that people can evolve, people can change for the good..I felt good.

"Come on counselor...Let's get some drinks....They're on me." I said.

"Mannn, in here? These airport prices are off the chain." said Robert."

"We can afford it." I said with a laugh and patted Robert on the back..

"Damn right Kev...Today..We can!" he said and we both laughed and walked toward an Airport bar!