Thursday, April 30, 2009

Mr. Willie

"The Doors of the Church are now open." said Pastor Struthers....Sepia nudged me and I woke up...I didn't want to admit that I was asleep..."Huh...I'm awake..what's goin on?" I said. Sepia smiled at me and then pinched me hard...

"Ow..what's up..what are you doin?" I said.

"At least you can pretend like you was listening to the sermon Kevin." she said.

I looked around...Cock Robbins was a few rows behind me with his wife, Vanessa. He too looked as if he had just been pinched awake too..I smiled to myself... Deacon Larry Weatherford was sitting in the row behind Pastor Struthers snoring...much to his wife, Victoria's consternation...
She was sitting with us..and she couldn't wake her husband.

Missing from Church this Sunday was Sean Jackson and his lady friend, Sheila...They had just got back from South Carolina. They had been on assignment covering a hot young trumpet player from Patterson, New Jersey named Reed Nelson. Also missing was my man, "88". When
he wasn't playing the Piano at Josie's Bar...He played the Organ here at church...He and Mabel
Jenkins must have decided to stay an extra day....Can't say that I blamed him.

The main person missing was head Deaconess,Ida Bell Jackson. In the entire time I had gone to this church..Ida Bell Jackson had never missed a Sunday... She was up in age and I surely hoped that she hadn't died. She lived alone. It was said that her husband, long dead..had left her with a
sizable peice of change.

As Sepia and I were leaving church, Pastor John Struthers called me.

"Uh,er , Brother Kevin....could I have a minute of your time?" he said.

Sepia giggled- "He's probably gone get on you for falling asleep in the middle of his sermon"
she laughed.

"Nah he aint...quiet about that." I said.

"Uh Brother Kevin...Have you seens Sistah Ida Bell Jackson this week? I noticed that she wasn't in chuuuch today." he said.

I was amazed at how Pastor Struthers knew every single woman in the church and knew when they weren't there. He made no mention about where "88" , the church Organist was or Sean
Jackson....but he knew Sister Ida Bell was missing.

"No Pastor...I haven't seen her this week." I said.

"Between me and you..I think somethin fishy is going on and I need your help in gettin to the bottom of things." He said.

"You...You uh need my help Pastor?" I asked.

"Look....Everybody knows that she's sittin on some money and ever since her husband, Jack Daniels Jackson died...Every single man and widower in this chuuch been tryin to park they shoes under her bed....Ah been kinda lookin out for her....but I fear she has got in with someone that means her no good." He said.

"Like who? " I asked.

"Mr. Willie " He said.

"Mr. Willie?" I laughed...Mr. Willie was about 72 years old...a good eight years older than Sister Ida Bell...A Dapper old man who acted like he was 27.....but not what I would call dangerous.

"Kevin, she been takin up with him...but aint nobody heard from her in days..She aint answered her phone, Her mail has been piling up at her house... and people been calling here at the church lookin for her..I'm serious..I got a bad feelin about this...really...I know that you looks into things..and I would really appreciate it if you did this favor for ole Rev.." he said.

I thought about it, then chuckled to myself and finnally said that I would.

I told Sepia about it and she laughed and laughed , as did I...but I agreed to look into it. Sepia wanted to get home and change her clothes...One of my pleasures on Sunday was helping her out of her clothes after we got home. She wasn't going. Sean was tired, probably cooling out with Sheila. I couldn't find Clerow...So it looked as if I would have to go solo on this one.

I drove by Miss Ida Bell's house.. The lights were off, there was a week's worth of mail piled up at her door...Utility bills, Magazines, Credit Card offers,Junk mail....The funny thing was...There was an envelope from the Social Security people , that had been opened and was lying there with the mail...Didn't have to mean anything ,but it made me think.

So I drove by Mr. Willie's house. I peered in the window and it appeared that the mystery was solved.. Ms. Ida Bell Jackson was sitting there at the table, along with another woman. They appeared to be just sitting there...but it didn't look like they were moving. Just sitting at the dining room table.

From the upstairs window...I heard the bed squeaking and a lot of hollering and moaning.....

"OHHHHHHHH...OHHHHHHHH MISTER WILLIE....put it on me daddy.....Ouuuuuuuu."

"Ohhhhhhhh....ohhhhhhhh come on now honey...give it to me..give it to meeeeee..."

"Oh Mistah Willie....mmmmmmmph..ummmphhh...."

"Ah love it when ya call me Big Poppa...ouuuuuuu, weeeeee..."

Mr. Willie????? A man his age... getting his swerve on??? Nah, it just couldn't be....All this and he had two women sitting downstairs in his living room???What Kind of Player was he?? He was
putting all of us young guys to shame..

"Ohh mister Willie, lay that pipe...Lay it baby." came the female voice...

" I come girl.....Here I come........"

"Don't stopppppppppppp....Mister Willieeeeeeeee...ouuuuuuuuuuu, oh myyyyyyy...."

I hated to stand outside his window and listen to him getting his thing on...but I couldn't believe
what I had just heard. I peeped in his living room window and the two women were still just sitting there. Something about the way they were sitting there kind of bothered me. They weren't saying a word..weren't moving...just sitting at the dining room table, while all that racket was going on upstairs.. No player I knew was THAT good. Three women in the house, two sitting quietly as if waiting their turn, while you're upstairs withanother woman...Not in this life.
Something was as wrong as rain about this picture. I just couldn't put my finger on it.

I didn't have to disturb him...But I at least wanted to talk to Ms. Ida Bell Jackson. So I rang the bell.
Neither one of the ladies at the table moved. I rang the bell again. I know they heard the bell because I could hear it through the door..but neither one of them got up from the table. I was puzzled by that and the fact that they were there and all that racket was still going on upstairs..
The bed was still squeaking loudly and both he and whoever was in that bed with him was having a great time..yelling and moaning to the top of their lungs.

"Ohhhhhh, I'm cummming....ohhhhhhhh Mistah Willieeeee!!!!!"

Finnally,I heard the bed stop squeaking and heard both he and the woman cry out in ecstacy...

"Ohhhhhhh, Ohhhhhhh..OHHHHHHHHHHHH.. gurl I'm bout to explodddddeeeee!!!!!"

"Ohhh Mistah Willie....ohhhhhhhhhhhh mahhh gawdddd....ouuuuuuuuu lawwwwddd.."

"Gurrrrl, what did you do to me? That was worth more than ten dollars..I'm gon give ya twenty
sweet georgia brown, that there was some good lovin..."

"Mr. Willie, someone's at the door."

"The door? ,Oh who in the hell can that be? It's a Sunday afternoon...for cryin out loud.." came his voice.

It took forever, but he finnally came to the door.

"Huh..uh Hello.....Oh it's you Kevin...What do you want?" He asked..

The minute that door opened, the smell liked to knocked me out....

"I really came around here to check on Ms. Ida Bell Jackson..could you bring her to the door?"
I asked.

"No, I can't...I believe she's busy." He said.

"Busy, she's sitting right there....Sister Jackson ?? " I yelled...but she didn't move... The smell
was killing me...

"Look young got a pretty young wife..yall just been to church I reckon...shouldn't you be home helpin her outta her clothes? I know I would if I was you....Sistah Jackson is fine...
now as I know you have heard..I'm busy myself.. now I've got to go....goodbye." he said.

I put my foot in the door and wouldn't let him close it and I forced my way in...I knew what that
smell was.... I walked over to Mrs. Jackson and tapped her on the shoulder, Her lifeless body fell
to the floor...So did the body of the other woman.

I turned and looked at Mr. Willie....

"You Freak!" I said.


Lieutenant Sissy Van Buren put the cuffs on Mr. Willie and the coroner's office toted out the bodies of Mrs. Ida Bell Jackson and the other woman, Lula May Harkins. Both women had been poisoned
and had signed their social security checks over to Mr. Willie. They had been missing for weeks.
The woman in the bedroom was a 34 year old Nurse and crack addict who Mr. Willie had paid twenty dollars to for her "services.."

"Shame Yall lockin up Mr. Willie...He was pretty good in bed for an old man..." she said as she left the house. The fact that two dead women were at the dining room table and the house smelled like hell...obviously meant nothing to her.

"Well Kevin...I guess I owe you one...once again...Who would have guessed that this seemingly sweet old man was a serial killer." said Sissy.

"Yeah,who would have guessed...." I said as I watched the Police Cars drive away.

The next day, I stopped by the church to talk to Pastor Struthers....

"Kevin, I wanna thank you for gettin to the bottom of that...I knew Mr. Willie was bad news..
Deac and I both was suspicious of him the minute he come smellin around Ida Bell. So sorry she's

"Yeah, but Mr. Willie is behind bars where he won't hurt anybody else." I said.

"Well thank you so much Kevin..." He said.

"Where are you on your way to Pastor?" I asked.....Then I saw her...the same woman who had been at Mr. Willie's house...The nurse...the crack addict....

"Uh this poor child has been traumatized, what with Mr. Willie and the two dead women right under her nose... I am going to give her some personal attention in my chambers...Thanks again for your help Kevin..." said Pastor Struthers as the young woman walked into his chambers and he closed the door softly and locked it...

I just laughed to myself and shook my head...I walked out of the church into the sunshine and headed on down the avenue towards the diner!

For SLC.


Solomon said...

Mr. Willie, LMAO Keith, what are you going to come up with next.

SLC said...

Let's bow our heads in a word of prayer.

Father; if any of these characters are based on real people, deliver them from themselves. And if any readers know church people like this, can we slap 'em with a Bible Father? And protect Pastor Struthers victims 'cause he might be spreadin' the swine flu (or the claps) to all the women while the men are sleeping.

Oh yeah. And Father hook Brother Keith up with a weekly editorial in the Philadelphia Inquirer based on his blog Keith's Space. Serious about that part God.

James Perkins said...

Damn boy, you are just plain insane..
LMBAO @ Mr. Willie.

Simon Bastion said...

I'm still laughing.....I can't even comment!

Swaggie said...

Man, I laughed so hard, my sides were hurting...You are crazy Keith!

Tate2 said...

Man, I laughed so hard,my boxers split and fell off.

Grover Tha Playboy said...

ROFLMBAO!!!! I thought Mr.Willie had taken my title for a minute....
phew! lololol.

Captain Jack said...

Simply Hillarious.

Sean said...

Your imagination knows no bounds.

Jazzy said...

You Crazy Fam!

Sunflower said...

Too Funny!!!

Toni said...

This was just too funny for words!

Angie B. said...

You're one sick man!

Lisa said...

keith, you are crazy! LMBAO!

Halo said...

ROTFLMAO!!! Keith you know you need to stop!! (But I'm glad you don't...lololol)

Vanessa said...

You're Insane in tha damn brain

Brenda said...

Mr. Willie- dirty old man...
Keith- Dirtier blogger
Me- Laughing like hell!!!!

Cheryl said...

This was so funny, I couldn't contain myself... I was laughing on the train this morning as I read it on my laptop.

Anonymous said...

Standing and Applauding and tossing my panties in the sky...You've been writing hot stuff all week! You Go Boy!

Anonymous said...

Oh My!! This was hilarious. I'm gonna have to go read the older posts.

Anonymous said...

Okay how much funnier can you get!!!

Are you really making up these mini stories...?

E's said...

Pastor had a have a lil taste huh? LOL. That was funny.