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Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Barbie and Kennedy


Hi...My name is Barbara Jennings, but my girlfriends have always called me Barbie...and oh my god, have I got a story to tell you.... See, it all began on Thursday when I got my drivers license. I should have failed, but the instructor was busy looking at my boobs..So he let me do the parking part again and ignored the fact that I slightly tapped the cone when I was parking the car. I think I slightly tapped it when I was coming out of the parking space too. It was hot, there was 15 people behind me waiting to take their driving exam too and I think he just wanted to get out of there. My Best female friend, Kennedy told me to wear a really low cut top and a lacy bra and some really tight jean shorts when I went to take my test. That's what she did and she passed with flying colors. Kennedy is the worse driver in the world...Oh,my gosh!

Anyway...I passed my drivers test, got my photo taken for my license and Kennedy and I left in Kennedy's mother's car..a 2009 Chevy Impala. It drives nice. We had Eminem's 'Relapse" blasting on the IPOD as we happily drove down the highway towards Miami...Kennedy and I are just two weeks from graduation and we like don't even bother to go to school nowadays because,we are like ,you know, SENIORS....and we like,don't have too!..

We were on the highway ,headed to a party in South Beach that night...We had had a couple of
champaigne punches and some vodka and cranberry juice spritzers. We stopped over this Black
guy's house that Kennedy knew and he turned us on to some good weed... Kennedy told me that she and the Black dude had almost done it one night...She said that they were getting high and started making out and he was getting ready to put it in, when the key was heard in the door. His room-mate came back early. I asked her if he was like really huge, the way they say Black dudes are and she said he was humongus...I was like whoaaaaaa man...I need to find me somebody like that! I thought.

Anyway, I'm getting away from my story...We were kind of wasted...I was really wasted and I let Kennedy drive. It was afterall, her mother's car....Kennedy is like ,the worse driver in the world.....She must've had her boobs, which are larger than mine , really hanging out the day she got her driver's license,because I don't know how she passed that test.

We were driving to South Beach. Two times I had to tell her to slow down and to stay in the right lane and stop swerving over..

"Kennedy...do you want me to drive?" I asked.

"Be quiet Barbie...you're high" she said.

We heard a honk...then we heard another honk...Then we saw a guy in a car motioning to us to turn around...

"What's he saying Barbie?" asked Kennedy.

"He saying that we are going the wrong way." I said.

"Oh he must be drunk...How does he know where we are going?" said Kennedy.

Just then, I saw a big SUV coming right at us....

"HE MEANS WE ARE GOING THE WRONG WAY ON A ONE WAY STREET IDIOT...TURN THE CAR AROUND...TURN IT AROUND KENNEDY!!!!!!! " I screamed as Kennedy whipped the car around just moments before we would have been crushed....

She drove into the lot of a nearby motel and crashed smack dab into a parked car!!!

We heard the woman in the car scream and raise her head up out of the man's lap as their car
spun around in a circle...

'What the hell?" said the man...A big fat bald headed Black man with an earing... He fell out of the
car..His pants were around his ankles and his boxers were also down around his ankles...He was
still erect and he was huge....Kennedy agreed...He was larger than the Black guy we smoked the weed with...

"Fathead...Fathead...pull your pants up...people are coming out in the courtyard." said the woman in the car with him...

"Fathead???What kind of name is that?" said Kennedy,right before she passed out...

The woman in the car said-

"Oh shit...I'm out of here." and ran off into the night.

"Oh my God sir...We are sooo sorry." I said, in tears...

He fixed his pants and looked me up and down.....

"Now look...we could both be in a lot of trouble" he said.

"We were high...We are sooooo sorry, but my parents have a lot of money...we can fix the car"
I said.

He shook his head-

"Look,I'm here on my honeymoon...I just got married." He said.

"OH congratulations Mr.....uhhh."

"Fathead...just call me Fathead..I'm from Philly." he said.

"Looks like your wife left you." I said.

"That wasn't my wife...I picked her up in the club..I don't even know her name." he said.

"Oh my God...How could you? And on your honeymoon?" I said.

"Look, let's not worry about that....You girls are driving under the influence...you hit my car,
the cops will be here soon...we gotta do somethin..." he said.

"But what? I just got my license today....and my girlfriend just got hers last month." I said.

"Okay, Okay...Look....I have money....I'm gonna call a guy I know down here...He'll be here with a tow truck and he'll haul both of these cars off and do some body work on them..Your car will be good as new..I'm gonna rent a room for you girls..You stay in that room...sleep it off and don't come out until you are both sober....by tomorrow morning or afternoon...your car will be returned to you good as new how is that?" he said.

"Just like that? we don't owe you nothing?" I asked.

"Nothin....just remember...none of this happened...you don't know me...you never saw me before
you got that? " He said.

"Sure Mister...Fathead"I said...

"And forget my name" he said. He went in the car and pulled out a gun and stuffed it in the waistband of his pants...Pulled his shirt over it...He must be some kind of gangster I thought..Oh
my God.

He kept his word...The tow truck came and towed both cars and he helped me drag Kennedy into a hotel room, drunk as a skunk. When the cops came...I explained to them that everything was taken care of...I made sure that my boobs and lacy bra were showing prominantly...It was
South Beach, I was Blonde, white and had huge breasts..It was hot, late..they didn't really want to be bothered...so they went on about their business. They never saw Kennedy or Mr. Fathead.

Kennedy was still asleep when the Tow truck brought our car back the next day...Good as new..
Mr. Fathead drove up in another car with another woman...Judging by the rock on her finger, she must have been his wife. She was gorgeous....So why was he cheating on her with a South Beach whore??? Cause he's a man....They are all alike, oh my Godd....Black,White..They're all bogus man.

He brought us Coffee and Crispy Creme Donots..The best man and two tumblers of orange juice.
Then he went back to his car...He waved and he drove off....

"Uggggh...my head...Where are we? where did the food come from? What did I miss?" asked
Kennedy ,who was just waking up.

"Everything" I said as I looked at her and shook my head.

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

hahaha...I guess I should have had a low cut when I went for my license...


Hey missed you, sorry I havent been around for some time!!

James Perkins said...

"Oh He must be drunk...How does he know where we are going? LMBAO Keith!!! Oh my God...This was the funniest story you've written to date. Where do you get this stuff?

Angie B. said...

ROFLMBAO ! Keith, you are crazy!!

Tate 2 said...

Nice Pics man...Funny Story too...Funny as hell!

Toni said...

I loved this story...You used two white girls, a different location and the ever stupid...Fathead Newton..lololol.

Simon Bastion said...

I have to ask you this question again...How stupid is Fathead and how long are you going to keep his charactor around? For a long time I hope...He is hillarious!

Sunflower said...

When I saw the photo ,I thought I was on the wrong site...then I realized it was just another "escapade" featuring one of your minor charactors,Fathead.
Funny story. The two white girls were cute.

Grover The Playboy said...

ROFLMBAO @ this story Keith,Hillarious!!!Just plain hillarious!

Sean said...

You are going off over here son, one classic after another!

Cheryl said...

Fathead in a parked car in a motel lot getting a blowjob while HE's ON
HIS HONEYMOON by a South Beach Hooker!!! His car being blindsided by two drunk white teenaged girls...Only you could come up with a story like that.

Vanessa said...

WTF !!!! ROFLMBAO......This story was off the chain Keith.

Anonymous said...

Should I roll my panties up and throw them at you now?

Lisa said...

Still laughing at this crazy crazy story!

Halo said...

ROFLMBAO @ You and this crazy story Keith...I loved it!

Brenda said...

Another good one Keith!lolololol!

Captain Jack said...

I couldn't imagine what this was about when I saw the title and the photo...Good story,funny as hell too.

Jazzy said...

When one of them said "Oh he must be drunk ,how does he know where we are going? I fell out of my chair with laughter....You are incredible man...simply an incredible writer.

Swaggie said...

Loved the story and the photos!

Solomon said...

This one was off the hook bro! Fathead can't keep his pants on, even on his honeymoon.

Just when I think you can't come up with anything better....

SLC said...

I like the names you chose. Ken and Barbie. Surprised Fathead didn't negotiate some other deal with them.