Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The Squeaking Bed

"Ohhhhhhhh...Roberttttt...Ohhhhhhhhh...Oh my gawdddd..ouuuuu,it's soooo goood..." came Sissy's moans...Between her moans and the rather loud sqeaking of the bed..I was certain that if anyone was in the hallway outside of my office, they could hear it.. I must admit ,I was the one making Sissy moan like this...but I was keeping my moans to a whisper...Sissy was making a lot of noise.. Me? My name is Robert Foxworth..I'm an Attorney. Sissy is a Lieutenant in the Philadelphia Homicide Division..She's my ex-wife..We are friends with benefits.

Myy Landlord Chess and his friend Chris laughed, when I told them I wanted to put a bed in the extra room in the office I was renting from Chess. My Office was on the third floor of a six floor apartment complex.

"Why do you need a bed in the extra room of your office?"asked Chris Thompson.

"I take a lot of naps." I said.

They both howled with laughter when I said they struggled to bring the
heavy bed up the backsteps and into the second room in my little office. The bed wouldn't fit in the tiny elevators in the complex. I'm pretty sure that neither Chess or Chris believed me. I didn't care.

Sissy usually visited me at my apartment once or twice a month for our little sexual romps...but once she found out that I had a bed in my office in the back..she began dropping by my office instead.

I had been begging her to take me back...I wanted to marry her again..but she refused...She said she had no plans to marry me or anyone else for that matter. She told me to be glad that she was speaking to addition to sleeping with me from time to time. She always called..she never just dropped by. She said she didn't want to risk walking in on me and any of my "women"
Truth be told..There were no other women. I was working hard on several big cases. Mostly involving men...I worked long hours..I had to.. I needed the money.
The few times a month I saw her was the only sex I was getting.

This was of course until my other ex-wife Corrine started seeing me again. I ran into her in the supermarket one night and we began to talk. She had broken up with her young lover and she'd lost the house too. She too was living in an apartment, not too far from where we used to live when we were married. A man named Clerow owned the apartment complex she was living in and rented to her.

She stopped by my office one afternoon and we had a few drinks and the next thing you know..I hung the "OUT TO LUNCH" sign on the door and killed the lights and Corrine and I wound up in the bed in the backroom making sweet love. Well sweet aint the word I'd accurately use for what we were doing. Loud and downright raunchy was more like it.

Corrine was louder than Sissy and a much wilder lover...The bed made even more noise..and between the bed squeaking and the noise both Corrine and I were making..The neighbors heard it.

Skillet Jackson , who lived in the apartment below me was one such neighbor. He said to me one day...

"Boyyy, you be havin a time up in there...I hear you and those womens." he laughed.

"Everytime I go in my kitchen., I hear that bed sqeakin and them girls hollerin.
You be layin that pipe brother..I aint mad at ya." he added.

"I used to be married to both of them." I said.

"Yeah?? and they still come over and break you off?? must be hung like a donkey.." he laughed. I just shook my head.

One night, Chris, Chess and Skillet were in my extra room having a couple of beers. Chess sat on my bed..Then he got up suddenly.

'Rob man...This bed...You'd better get someone to look at it..The legs are weak..
This thing could go any minute..I wouldn't sleep in this thing alone, let alone have a woman in here.." He said.

I looked at the bed...Chris sat in his chair and just laughed.. I told Chess that I would look into getting the legs on the bed fixed.

"Thas if he can keep them ladies out of it first." said Skillet. We all laughed at that remark.

I never got around to it... Sissy came by at least two more times after that and Corrine and I had a nice "visit" just hours after Sissy's last "visit" on another day.

One afternoon, I was talking to the rare female client I had.. a shapely, yet big
boned sister named Alice Pinkston..We talked and signed papers and it appeared she was getting ready to leave.. Then she looked at me and said kind of alluringly..

"Mr. Foxworth, do you have anything to drink?"

"I've got some scotch over there."

"Scotch? That's an old man's drink...I don't drink Scotch.." she said.

"Oh well,I guess I can't help you Ms. Pinkston.." I said.

"Well, actually...I'm not all that interested in drinking..I was thinking of another type of , let's say entertainment" she said..with a teasing look and a wink.
She was an exotic dancer , a big exotic dancer down at the "Sugar Shack" who was suing the owner for sexual harrassment. I had won a nice settlement in her favor without having to go to court.

My life is like one big porn movie....before I knew what was happeneing...we were in an embrace...Kissing and groping each other and stripping our clothes
off... We fell into the bed..and she rode me like a horse...She was a little thicker
than either Sissy or Corrine.. but not fat..she had a nice shape and a cute face..She was just a little bigger than the normal woman I went out with.We went at it hard..The legs on the bed collapsed.. We hardly noticed..we were still going at it hard, which was bad enough, but then the bed went through the floor and into the kitchen of Skillet Johnson who lived a floor below.. We landed
on top of his kitchen table..

He looked at me..and at Alice Pinkston..Neither of us had on any clothing..The bed had no legs on it..and there was a big hole in the ceiling....

Skillet shook his head....

"Lawd boy...Ah sho hope you makin some money in that law practice of yours..
cause you gotta pay fo that hole in the ceilin... Chess tole you to get that bed fixed."

My name is Robert Foxworth...I hate my life at times like this.


SLC said...

Skillet has a way with words. Hope to see him again.
Good night

Toni said...

Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha! THis was
incredibly funny Keith!

BorednTalkative said...

Okay I expected the bed to break, but I didn't expect them to fall through the floor. Hilarious.

James Perkins said...

I loved Skillet....Hope you use him again.

Simon Bastion said...

When the bed went through the floor..I fell out of my seat laughing..Hillarious!

Grover Tha Playboy said...

ROFLMAO!!! This was the funniest story yet!

Jazzy said...

I saw this coming a mile away!
LMBAO @ You!

TATE2 said...

ROTFLMBAO!!!! Okay, this was too silly for words... Funny as all get up!

Swaggie said...

I'm still laughing at this one Keith!!!What is next??

Sean said...

It doesn't get any better than this, hillarious story.

Captain Jack said...

This was incredibly funny!

Anonymous said...

Loved it! Standing and applauding and tossing my panties at you!

Angie B. said...

Keith, you a trip..Where do you get this stuff from? lololol

Cheryl said...

They fell through the floor into that old man's kitchen??? Insane..
Only you would come up with something like this Keith..and I'm so glad that you did.lolololol.

Brenda said...

Outlandishly funny...I showed this to my girlfriend and she's still laughing.

Grover Tha Playboy said...

I've broken a bed before...but never went through the floor..They really was going at it hard-lololol.

Anonymous said...

@Grover Tha Playboy- You've broken a bed before? That makes me want to throw my panties at you.

Lisa said...

Just plain silly...lolololololol

Halo said...

That must have been some good lovin,They went through the floor and didn't notice it.

Vanessa said...

WOW !!! Besides being hillariously funny, this story kind of made me hot too...

Sunflower said...

Clearly one of your most enjoyable stories to date Keith!

Captain Jack said...

I must admit...The idea of a bed going through the floor caught me completely off guard... Hillarious story Keith.. Keep em coming.

Blu Jewel said...

OMG! Keith that was friggin hilarous. I so needed that laugh in my day. Dead @ the bed going through the floor...Thanks doll!

love to live; live to love!

Oyin said...

lol...dammit Keith, I think you been listening in on my bedroom door again. Stop it!

lyfesimplified said...

This reminds me of Anthony Hamilton's song Sister Big Bones! Lmao wow!